Social media is packed with bite-sized advice, often presented as life-changing truths. While some of it can inspire and empower, other messages can unintentionally cause harm when taken too literally.

One persistent myth is the idea that “you can’t find love until you love yourself.” While self-love is undeniably valuable, this oversimplified statement can place undue pressure on people, especially survivors of trauma.

Reframing the Myth: Self-Love Isn’t a Prerequisite for Love

The notion that you must love yourself before anyone else can love you implies that relationships are only accessible once you’ve achieved a perfect state of self-acceptance. This simply isn’t true. Love is not reserved for the flawless. In fact, many people find that their journey to self-love happens within relationships, not before them.

Survivors of trauma, in particular, often grapple with self-doubt, shame, and fractured self-worth. Telling someone they need to fully love themselves first can feel like an impossible mountain to climb. Yet, despite these struggles, survivors can and do experience deeply fulfilling relationships. These connections can provide safety, trust, and care, creating a foundation for self-love to grow.

The Strength in Connection

The ability to connect with others, even while experiencing inner turmoil, is a profound strength. It’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit—the capacity to seek and nurture bonds, even amidst pain. Loving others and being loved in return doesn’t require a flawless sense of self-worth. Instead, it’s about showing up as you are—imperfect, human, and worthy.

Relationships can act as a healing balm, restoring trust, fostering moments of joy, and providing much-needed safety. They remind us that we are more than our pain and help us rediscover the parts of ourselves that trauma may have obscured.

The Problem with Social Media Tropes

Social media thrives on catchy, digestible content designed to grab attention, not to delve into nuance. The phrase “you can’t find love until you love yourself” has become one of these oversimplified slogans. Repeatedly encountering such messages can feel overwhelming, particularly for survivors already battling self-blame or feelings of inadequacy.

Algorithms don’t consider personal journeys or the complexity of healing. They amplify what’s popular, not what’s accurate or helpful. For survivors, seeing this trope over and over might reinforce the belief that they’re unworthy of love until they’ve “fixed” themselves. This narrative is not only false but deeply unkind. 

If this type of content feels unhelpful, you’re allowed to question it. Curate your feed to include voices that prioritise compassion, authenticity, and realistic advice. Unfollow accounts that leave you feeling worse rather than better—your well-being is more important than an algorithm’s idea of relevance.

Self-Love as a Journey, Not a Destination

Rather than framing self-love as a box to tick before entering relationships, let’s see it for what it is: a lifelong process. Relationships don’t demand a perfect relationship with yourself. On the contrary, they can nurture and support self-love.

Relationships can be a mirror, reflecting back the care and compassion you might struggle to offer yourself. They can provide moments of joy and safety that help rebuild a fractured sense of self. In this way, self-love and external love can develop side by side.

Protecting Your Healing Space

If messages about self-love and relationships feel harmful rather than helpful, it’s ok to step back. Question the advice you encounter: Does this resonate with your experience? Is it adding value to your healing, or is it creating unnecessary pressure? Protecting your mental and emotional space is an act of self-care.

Consider these steps to curate a healthier social media environment:

• Follow compassionate voices: Seek out accounts that prioritise nuance, kindness, and authenticity over perfectionist ideals.
• Mute or unfollow unhelpful content: If a message consistently leaves you feeling worse, it’s better to remove it from your feed.
• Focus on your journey: Remember that your healing is unique, and no one-size-fits-all advice can capture the complexity of your experience.

You Are Enough

Let’s leave behind the idea that self-love is a prerequisite for being loved. Instead, let’s embrace the truth: you are enough, exactly as you are. Healing is not a series of conditions to meet—it’s a journey, and love can be a part of that journey.

You don’t have to wait to be “ready” to experience connection. Relationships, when grounded in mutual respect and care, can help you heal. Love, in all its forms, reminds us that we are worthy, even when we struggle to believe it ourselves.