Language, Law, and Lived Experience: What ‘Unwanted Touch’ Really Means

In recent months, public conversations about sexual assault, consent, and the language we use to describe harm have become louder and more urgent than ever. Viral stories like Demi Engemann’s allegations in online spaces such as MomTok and Secret Lives of Mormon Wives have put the uncomfortable, vital debate around ‘unwanted touch’ front and centre. These moments spark not just hashtags but difficult, necessary questions: Who gets to decide what counts as harm? How do we respect the lived realities of survivors? Why do our words matter so much, and what’s at stake if we get them wrong?

If you’re holding your own story, whether quietly, or with the courage to speak, it’s easy to feel lost or invalidated by the way society talks about these issues. Law may set a standard, but lived experience shapes the truth.

 

The Problem with Legal Definitions Alone

When high-profile incidents hit the news, there’s often a rush to dissect, analyse, and define what did (or didn’t) happen by legal standards. Is ‘unwanted touch’ the same as assault under the law? What evidence is ‘enough’? The impulse is understandable: we want justice to be clear. For many survivors, though, these conversations quickly become alienating or even retraumatising. Legal frameworks have always been limited in capturing the full, nuanced impact of harm, especially when that harm is subtle, socially normalised, or doesn’t fit a textbook scenario.

This is where language matters. “Unwanted touch” might sound vague or even minimising. For those who have experienced it, though, those words can carry a lifetime’s weight, the ripple effect of shame, confusion, self-doubt, and isolation. When headlines and comment sections debate what ‘counts’ as real or serious, survivors can begin to question whether their experience is valid at all.

 

Why Survivor Stories Must Come First

At ReConnected Life, we know it’s not legal terminology that shapes recovery; it’s the survivor’s own experience, and the agency to claim it as true. When we centre survivor stories, we shift the focus from ‘proving’ harm (to an external, sometimes hostile audience) to affirming the reality of harm as it’s felt. This doesn’t mean disregarding due process, it means recognising that social empathy and validation are as vital to healing as justice is to accountability.

One of the most damaging myths is that harm only “counts” if it matches a legal checklist or a stranger’s idea of trauma. In truth, everyone’s nerves are wired differently. One woman’s ability to brush off an invasive touch says nothing about another’s right to freeze, panic, or feel deeply violated. Trauma is most often rooted in the experience of powerlessness, not necessarily the severity of what happened by someone else’s measure.

 

No Victim Shaming, Ever

Too often, the first questions after an allegation are: What did she do? What was she wearing? Had she had a drink? These tired, harmful scripts are designed to undermine autonomy and shift blame. ReConnected Life stands fully against all forms of victim shaming. It doesn’t matter what you wear, how you act, or how much you drink, consent is always required. Every person has a right to body autonomy and safety, whether the world (or the workplace, or the law) recognises it or not.

This is especially important during seasons when social and professional events can blur boundaries, office parties, festive gatherings, end-of-year celebrations. Survivors can feel pressured to participate, even as these spaces heighten risk and reduce clarity around touch, conversation, or safety. Knowing your boundaries is crucial. So is having a plan: a buddy system, clear exit strategies, and the knowledge of organisational processes if something goes wrong.

 

The Power of Empathy and Language

When online debates break out, the words and tone used by bystanders, friends, and colleagues matter. Saying, “It was just a misunderstanding,” or “It didn’t look that serious,” can silence someone whose whole sense of self has been shaken. Empathy means believing survivors, recognising the courage it takes to speak, and acknowledging the real, lingering effects of harm, regardless of whether the law agrees.

Language is never just academic. It shapes how survivors see themselves, seek support, and move forward. Gentle, survivor-centred language affirms the complexity of each experience and creates emotional safety. In contrast, clinical, dismissive, or scrutinising words can reinforce trauma and shame.

 

Moving Beyond the Binary

The question isn’t whether unwanted touch “counts,” but rather: How do we as a community respond? The strongest support is never a cold checklist or cross-examination, it’s presence, belief, and a genuine willingness to listen. Survivors don’t need public validation to know their own story. The path to healing is about reclaiming agency, reconnecting with your body, and finding spaces where your experience can exist without debate.

 

A Survivor-Centred Future

For anyone who has felt their story dismissed, remember: The legal system is not the measure of your reality. Empathy, safety, and respect are the foundations of recovery. The words we use, publicly and privately, matter. At ReConnected Life, you’re believed. There is no hierarchy of harm and no one way to tell your story. You do not have to justify, explain, or defend your experience to be worthy of support.

If you’re seeking calm, company, or simply a space to be held gently, The Sanctuary is open and free this December. Whether you’re dealing with recent wounds, old scars, or just the exhaustion of constant debate, know that you’re not alone. Together, we can build a survivor-centred future, one where everyone’s story is met with compassion first.